'... climate change will have hit us like a road train flattening a wallaby'
OPINION/SATIRE: A leaked speech has revealed that Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison will tell next weeks Glasgow COP26 summit that Australia will be the worlds most carbon-negative nation by 2100. In the speech Prime Minister Morrison outlines a timeline to 2100, by which time Australia will emit absolutely zero pollution. In addition, he promises that Australia will become a rich supply of fresh naturally-produced oxygen provided free to the rest of the world, adding Aussie aussie aussie, oi oi oi! Although details of the carbon-negative plan are sketchy, it seems to be predicated on the entire Australian population packing up their possessions and leaving. The climate change-ravaged continent will then be left to regenerate naturally, its former towns and cities becoming overrun by native bush. Mr Morrisons speech notes in his own words set out the timeline to 2100: READ MORE: * ScoMo the scarperer is the goodie in this yarn? What gives? * Australia, your country is burning dangerous climate change is here with you now * 'Burnt Christmas tree' is a perfect symbol for Australia's fire-ravaged holiday season * Australia could see its hottest day on record, fuelling bush fire crisis 2021: I announce a target of net-zero emissions by 2050. This is mainly based on some back-of-a-McDonalds-napkin calculation by a mate with a science degree. Its a soft target because I wont be seeking re-election anytime near 2050, and hope instead by then to be in a Lay-Z-Boy in an old peoples home watching reruns of the Kylie-and-Jason golden years of Neighbours . 2030: It becomes clear that my 2021 plan was based on a bit of magical thinking and hoping science would come up with some new technology to destroy carbon like it was a villain in a Marvel movie. Now thats not going to happen, so we go to plan B. 2031-2085: All Australians pitch in to go like the clappers in extracting valuable minerals, burning fossil fuels and running our traditional heavy industries at warp speed 10. We make hay while the sun shines, or to be precise we make bank while the soft glow of the sun is still partially visible through the smoky haze of all the bushfires joining together. 2090: By now, the boffins say, climate change will have hit us like a road train flattening a wallaby. Youll be frying eggs on the roof of Parliament House in September. The leafy suburbs of our coastal cities will be knee-deep in jellyfish-infested salt water. And remember the Western Desert that my old mate Peter Garrett used to sing about? Well, as of 2090 the Western Desert will extend all the way to the top end of Parramatta Rd, and the extreme katabatic winds rolling down from the Blue Mountains will be blowing their scouring sandy grit straight into the thongs and budgie-smugglers of anyone silly enough to be standing outside at Bondi. That, cobbers, is when Australians will say goodbye to our golden soil, grab our wealth for toil and advance to the lifeboats. I say lifeboats, I mean international Qantas flights. And by 2100, nature will have overtaken Australia once again and a glorious new Eden will awaken in Gods own country. You can thank me later. Indigenous Australian leaders approached for comment on the speech have thus far been speechless. Mr Morrisons address ends with a wakeup call to our little cousin New Zealand, which he predicts will lag far behind its trans-Tasman neighbour in combatting carbon emissions. They talk a big game in New Zealand, but theyve got a real challenge ahead of them. Especially because by 2100 there'll be 25 million Aussies living there.